Santa Barbara’s Finest

So a couple weeks back i found myself torn from a wonderful slumber, into a fun filled morning of the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Department rolling our house for some one who doesnt even live there. So…to be able to share this wonderful morning with everone i have decided to novelize the mornings events of July 6, 2007. Also do to the legnth of the story i will be posting it in installments so i dont hit you to hard with a giant post.
-love CASEY

So without further delay comes the first installment of “G.D.I.F. (God Dammit, It’s Friday)”

This short story is based on real life events. Although the events have not been changed, some names have been changed in order to protect…well…there’s no one really to protect…but I changed them any ways.


July 6, 2007 was a cold overcast morning. Most of Santa Barbara is still asleep other than Mormons, Joggers and two Santa Barbara Sheriffs creeping up the drive way of the 4 bedroom home at the top of San Julio Drive. The residents of the quiet, calm home were still fast asleep in their bedrooms; Casey, John (known by his friends as Beaner), Barry, Tim and their friend Bill who slept on the couch the evening to prevent an inevitable DUI. The night before had been a long one for Casey, Tim and Bill whom worked earlier that evening at a local night club and were unable to find rest until 4 am. Said rest was soon to come to an abrupt end.
“DIIING DOOONG!” rang the door bell, which quickly repeated itself
The sound echoed through out Casey’s now half asleep and half hung over head. Knowing that not one of his friends would be up at this hour, and those friends knew not to even think about contacting him on the left hand side of noon. He quickly dressed himself in a pair of red surf trunks and slowly dragged himself to the front door like a corpse that had just dug itself from a fresh grave and answered the door.
It took a moment for Casey’s blood shot, sleep filled eyes to make out the two silhouettes on his front porch.
“Sheriff’s Department” said the first man who stood at a barrel chested (due to a bullet proof vest) 6 foot 3 with his one hand resting on his utility belt near his holstered weapon.
“Yeah. Clearly. What’s up?”, Casey replied in a voice that expressed mixed feelings of being irritated, confused still half asleep.
“We’re here for Ryan.” Said an uppity and faux-friendly voice. Casey’s attention transferred to a shorter man with reddish blonde hair and the face of the kid you used to want to pick on in Junior High just because he looked annoying.
“Ryan Smith. We have a warrant for him and this is his address”, Said the taller of the two peace officers. “Is he here?”
“No, he doesn’t live here, I don’t know who you’re talking about.” Casey knew he had seen or heard the name before, but couldn’t remember where. Then it struck him, he was homeowners son. They were after some one who lived here before. His thought process was then interrupted by the uninvited well polished boots working their way through the threshold of the house.
“Well, we’re gonna have to take a look around to be sure he isn’t here.” Said the taller officer. “If he’s not here it shouldn’t be a problem. You’re sure he’s not here?”
“Good morning, Sheriff’s Department.” Re-Announced the shorter leprechaun of an officer, this time towards Bill, who was wiping the sleep from his eyes and sitting up on the couch and clearly confused on what he had just woken up to.
Casey’s feelings of extreme exhaustion and the cloudiness inside is head from the night before crippled his idea to think straight and slowed his thought process like a wet blanket. Santa Barbara’s finest were clearly taking advantage of this, knowing that Casey clearly was caught so off guard he couldn’t remember his own rights to demand to see a warrant or demand that they leave. One thing that wasn’t missing was his growing irritation of the two men accusing Casey lying.
“How many people are here?” Asked one of the two officers.
Casey, who was still closing the door behind his current house guests, who were as wanted as the mouse that has been tearing into the food in the cabinets as off late, began to think. His growing impatience and annoyance drove him to answer in the only way he possibly could, or knew how…like a total smart ass.
“We’ll there’s me, Barry, Tim and John. Bill on the couch there makes 5 and you two make 7. There are 7 people in the house” He replied in a Sesame Street fashion that began the upcoming answers and tones packed with frustration and peppered with sarcasm.
“Well why don’t you go ahead and show me all their rooms and we’ll get every one up and take a look.” Said the taller of the two men. “We have to make sure he’s not here”
“Are you serious right now?”
“We have to double check and make sure you’re not lying”
“Fine” Said Casey in the most irritated tone he could find “I’ll give the grand tour.” And began to work his was to the end of the hall to Barry’s room, fallowed closely by the taller officer. He was unaware that Officer Leprechaun had broken away from the tour of the house and b lined his way into Casey’s bedroom, which was attached to the garage.
“We’ll start here with Barry’s room, who is still asleep. He’s here in the master bedroom which has its own bathroom and access to the back yard.” Said Casey in a style a real estate agent would use, trying to make a sale to the newly wed couple. He then opened the door with a feeling of remorse about waking up his sleeping housemate.
“Sheriff’s Department.” Iterupted the man, announcing it once again, as if it was the only thing he could think to say, in a loud and proud booming voice.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! HOLY SHIT!” Yelled Barry, startled and jumping up from his bed, and still asleep. Barry wouldn’t remember this when he woke up, he was still very asleep.
“That was entertaining.” Said the officer, semi laughing at what he had just witnessed.
“Right. So now we’ll head across the hall to Tim’s room, where you’ll find time asleep as well, but not Ryan.”
As Casey turned to exit the room he realized, one of the guests on the tour had strayed from the group, and the real problems began…

To Be Continued…

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