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Ian Finds Himself in Another Awkward Situation at Big Lots!


Tonight on the way home from work, I stopped at Big Lots! to pick up some provisions for my upcoming cruise to Mexico.

Tangent: I booked a spontaneous 3 night cruise to Ensenada with Jess.  Why?  Because it was only$300, and what better use do I have for $300?   None. Think of it as my own personal Mexican stimulus package.  I am a philanthropist of sorts, using my hard earned money to stimulate the Mexican economy through purchasing and consuming copious amounts of booze (Can’t drink the water)!  The Carnival Elation is only in San Diego until May, and there was some super cheap rooms left as the cruise is leaving on Friday – so Jess and I figured fuck it, lets go!  I’m hoping moto or some of the rest of the crew will be spontaneous as well and book it – but I doubt it.  I’m sure we’ll make new friends anyway.  If its anything like the cruise to Ensenada we took last year, I know its gonna be a mess (UCRUZULUZ2K9 – http://techandtonic.com/2009/03/16/ucruzuluz2k9-2/)

Ah, but I digress, I stopped at Big Lots! on the way home to pick up some supplies for the cruise.  After shopping around, I ended up with the following 3 items in my basket.

  1. A 36 pack of Trojan Condoms 
  2. An extra large bag of FUNYUNS 
  3. A Lynrd Skynrd T-Shirt 

After standing in line for the only open register for 12 minutes, (in a line of about 6 people – the guy behind me kept eye-fucking my basket – I know he was wondering about my odd assortment of purchases) I made it up to the register.  Upon unloading my purchases one by one, the middle aged lady at the register just stared at me with the look of a middle aged lady who is worn out from the hardships of a life behind the register at Big Lots! but I could see a tiny glimmer of hope, a single, solitary spark of life ignite behind her dull eyes.  Our only interaction was her comment “looks like you’re in for a hell of a night”.  Not knowing how to respond, but in full agreement, I awkwardly grabbed a pack of Yipes Stripes Fruit Striped Gum that had probably been sitting around since Bobby’s World debuted on saturday morning cartoons and threw it on top of my pile.  Her and I forged a bond of understanding and maybe a mutual respect for Skynyrd and the price break of buying condoms in bulk, and agreed to say no more.  I picked up my bag of wonders, and wondered out of Big Lots! munching on Funyuns and wondering how I keep getting myself in these awkward situations.

These are the hilarious incidents that make life worth living.  Or at least seem that way when I retell them.  🙂

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