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Tag: Deuce’s Daily Digest

CLEGS Shall Rise Again & Machine Gun Legs!


[15:15] BetterOffAloneSB: Deuce
[15:15] The Gun Show: buns
[15:15] BetterOffAloneSB: I need your help
[15:15] The Gun Show:  go on…
[15:16] BetterOffAloneSB: I’ve been thinking about having one of my legs replaced with a machine gun – similar to the unbearably hot chick on Grindhouse: Planet Terror
[15:16] The Gun Show:  okay…so what seems to be the problem?
[15:16] The Gun Show:  that’s rose mcgowan by the way…she has a name
[15:16] The Gun Show:  she’s not just some peice of meat with a machine gun strapped to it
[15:17] BetterOffAloneSB: sorry.  my bad.  well what do you think?  Its a risky operation
[15:17] BetterOffAloneSB: But I’m really thinking that the benefits outweigh the risks
[15:18] The Gun Show:  well…for starters…you’re first benefit is having a machine gun for a leg.
[15:18] BetterOffAloneSB: clearly
[15:19] The Gun Show:  second…you would be able to protect your loved ones from home predators
[15:19] BetterOffAloneSB: absolutely.
[15:19] BetterOffAloneSB: I mean…I would be awesome in some post-apocalyptic wasteland, but how do you think mainstream society would receive me now
[15:22] The Gun Show:  well…machine guns for legs right now is kinda like tattoos 10 years ago.  Over time as the younger generations who are heavily tatted get older tattoos are becoming very socialy acceptable.  You may be looked at different at first…but soon bank managers and the president will have a machine gun for a leg
[15:22] BetterOffAloneSB: wow.  you really know how to put issues like this in the proper perspective
[15:23] BetterOffAloneSB: I have another issue I’m dealing with
[15:23] The Gun Show:  continue
[15:24] BetterOffAloneSB: you know how much I like Coors Light in can – with the wide mouth that allows you such easy and consistant access to the golden nectar within
[15:24] The Gun Show:  yes Ian…the wide mouth delivers wide open refreshment…everyone likes that
[15:25] BetterOffAloneSB: you know as well as I do I love nothing more than to hear the pleasing crack of a fresh CL being opened…the cold mist spraying  a light layer of joy all over your face, the first refreshing drink…kind of like the comfort of putting on a warm sweater on a cold winter morning
[15:26] BetterOffAloneSB: but here is the dilemma I put to you.  Something that is tearing at the moral fiber of my being
[15:26] The Gun Show:  im listening…
[15:27] The Gun Show:  you’re making me a bit nervous
[15:27] BetterOffAloneSB: they now have, as I’m sure you are aware, Coors Light in a bottle with highly advanced (Developed in a secret military lab hidden high within the Rockies that the very source of Coors light originates) Temperature sensative material making up the mountain logo
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: as I’m sure you know, the mountains will change color, letting you, the educated drinker, know when your beer is at optimal temperature, and also alerting you to the fact that it may be getting dangerously warm
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: so I ask of you, friend, which do I drink from?
[15:28] The Gun Show:  correct
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: The pleasing crack of opening a cold dog in a can, or the reassurance and trust of highly developed technology in a glass bottle?
[15:29] The Gun Show:  im glad you came to me with this
[15:29] BetterOffAloneSB: God I just wish there was some way to incorporate them both
[15:29] BetterOffAloneSB: it keeps me up nights
[15:30] The Gun Show:  through my last 26 years of my worldly travels and education i’ve learned much about the splendor within each can and bottle of coors light….
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: go on…
[15:30] The Gun Show:  I know what it’s like when one’s cup overfloweth with cooors light…
[15:31] The Gun Show:  i know what it’s like when the well runneth dry…
[15:31] The Gun Show:  i’ve been there when friends and family missplace their cold tasting frost brew refrestment…and it is not a curse i wish upon my worst enemy
[15:32] The Gun Show:  I ask you now Ian…too look at this with a point of view of being out with you’re closest of friends…
[15:33] BetterOffAloneSB: go on
[15:33] The Gun Show:  picture with me if you will…You’re out on the town…lets say…they strips of Vegas…
[15:34] BetterOffAloneSB: im imagining it now
[15:34] BetterOffAloneSB: so many lights
[15:34] The Gun Show:  you and your feirce army of party animals suddenly develope a kings thirst for a frosty brew…
[15:35] BetterOffAloneSB: (But not at a Kings Ransom)
[15:35] The Gun Show:  you and your men break down the gates of the nearest bar and DEMAND tribute to your army…and they present you with a bounty of coors light…
[15:36] BetterOffAloneSB: at Excalibur perhaps?
[15:36] The Gun Show:  yet they present you with cans…which you can see the frost dripping from them..and the wide mouth ready to deliver nothing but the refreshing hydration your horde desires. …
[15:36] The Gun Show:  yet to your left…you see the long next bottles of glory…signaling to you that indeed…our mountains are blue…and our beer is ready for the plundering
[15:37] BetterOffAloneSB: WAIT! Are you saying I should enjoy BOTH?
[15:37] The Gun Show:  no this is where you findith your answer…
[15:37] The Gun Show:  now*
[15:38] The Gun Show:  draw up your weapons…and peirce the sides of the aluminum barrier between you and the water of the gods…and shot gun….
[15:38] The Gun Show:  THEN!
[15:38] BetterOffAloneSB: so cold. so refreshing
[15:39] The Gun Show:  you grab your bottles….RAISE THEM HIGH!!! AND CHEERS THE BOTTLES TOGETHER AND LISTEN TO THE TRIUMPHANT CLING THAT WILL BE HEARD THROUGHT OUT THE HILLS OF THE COUNTRY!
[15:39] BetterOffAloneSB: !!!!
[15:39] BetterOffAloneSB: I AM SO PUMPED UP RIGHT NOW
[15:39] BetterOffAloneSB: I AM RAISING THE ROOF WITH BOTH HANDS
[15:40] BetterOffAloneSB: there it was…the answer right in front of me all along.
[15:40] BetterOffAloneSB: how blind and ignorant have I been
[15:40] The Gun Show:  let me leave you with this as well
[15:40] BetterOffAloneSB: OF COURSE its logical to enjoy the refreshment of one in perfect harmony with the other
[15:41] The Gun Show:  when emotions are running high…and you can only choose one or the other…remember…when cheersing to the best of times…we must remember which cheers is mightier….the bottle or the can
[15:42] BetterOffAloneSB: I have had equally good cheers with both
[15:42] BetterOffAloneSB: just yesterday I was cheersing Dave and Hecker with ice cold CL cans
[15:43] The Gun Show:  i hope that i have shown you that you need not choose only one
[15:43] BetterOffAloneSB: but the satisfying clink of glass on glass is just as good
[15:44] BetterOffAloneSB: you truly have shown me both sides of the issua
[15:44] BetterOffAloneSB: i couldn’t ask for a better understanding than the one I have now
[15:44] The Gun Show:  now go Ian…and show everyone that you needn’t settle for one
[15:44] BetterOffAloneSB: I can only hope that we can put these theoretical issues into practice in Vegas in a couple weeks.
[15:45] The Gun Show:  ah yes…and we shall
[15:45] BetterOffAloneSB: I shall cheers you with both bottle and can, sing it from the mountain tops that CLEGS shall rise again
[15:45] The Gun Show:  it is possible that you are the chosen one to bring clegs back to order…
[15:46] BetterOffAloneSB: I feel fate calling me
[15:46] The Gun Show:  well ian…i must depart now…
[15:46] The Gun Show:  be strong
[15:46] The Gun Show:  and go with your heart

[15:47] BetterOffAloneSB: thank you.  I am forever in your debt.  We shall reconvene in Las Vegas, Nevada in two weeks time…and Victory shall be ours
[15:47] The Gun Show:  Maybe we should practice our Poker for Vegas.
[15:47] The Gun Show:  HUZZAH!
[15:47] *** “The Gun Show” signed off at Mon Jan 07 15:47:55 2008.

The HALO3 Guilt Trip


halo3703As you all know, HALO3 came out today.  And, as you all know, I did not pre order, however, Casey did.  As usual, Casey rubbed this fact in my face, letting me know that his plans for the night were to suit up as Master Chief and have his way with the covenant  until the sun came up.  I have to admit, that caused a bit of jealousy on my part. This extremely awkward situation caused the following conversation to ensue:

[15:25] The Gun Show: hey…ask me what im going to do tonight
[15:25] BetterOffAloneSB: ok.
[15:25] BetterOffAloneSB: what are you doing tonight
[15:27] The Gun Show: oh…hey Ian…funny you should have totally asked me that randomly.  I’ll be sitting in front of my 50 inch television putting myself of the shoes of the master chief and playing halo 3 till the sun comes up
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: you
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: bastard
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: im still looking around for a copy of skate
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: and here you are playing HALO3
[15:28] The Gun Show: oh…you mean you didn’t pre order your own copy of HALO3?
[15:28] The Gun Show: that just seems some what irresponsible
[15:28] BetterOffAloneSB: no 🙁
[15:29] The Gun Show: wow…that’s gonna really taper your fun levels for the weak
[15:30] The Gun Show: er… *week
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: is it sold out?
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: do you already have it?
[15:30] The Gun Show: sorry…i was just thinking about how "weak" it is you can’t play halo3.
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: dude
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: srsly
[15:30] The Gun Show: yeah…we had an inside man pick it up last night
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: as my friend
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: you should not play it without me
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: here is why
[15:30] BetterOffAloneSB: remember when i got HALO
[15:31] BetterOffAloneSB: and you came over and played it
[15:31] BetterOffAloneSB: and we were double gunning on that
[15:31] BetterOffAloneSB: ‘thog
[15:31] BetterOffAloneSB: .
[15:31] BetterOffAloneSB: that is why
[15:32] The Gun Show: you…son of a bitch…
[15:32] The Gun Show: you’re going to bring the ‘thog into this?
[15:32] The Gun Show: i have the chance to play halo3 till i pass out tonight…and you are seriously going to put that kind of guilt on me?
[15:32] BetterOffAloneSB: im sorry dude
[15:32] BetterOffAloneSB: just think it through
[15:32] BetterOffAloneSB: i have no doubt you will make the right decision
[15:33] BetterOffAloneSB: just remember who suited up as master chief right next to you, followed you through battling the flood
[15:34] BetterOffAloneSB: who helped you solve the mystery of the flood with Cortana
[15:34] BetterOffAloneSB: who went the distance with you side by side against the covenant
[15:35] BetterOffAloneSB: who was with you when us and cortana rescued Captain Keyes, Captain of the Pillar of Autumn
[15:36] BetterOffAloneSB: Who was recruited by 343 Guilty Spark to retrieve the index that Activated HALO and stopped the flood from spreading
[15:36] BetterOffAloneSB: who high fived you and screamed "DOBLE!" at the top of his lungs when misting some poor bastards head with a sweet sniper shot
[15:36] BetterOffAloneSB: I dont know you any more
[15:36] BetterOffAloneSB: you are a ghost
[15:37] BetterOffAloneSB: good. i hope you are speechless
[15:37] BetterOffAloneSB: turncoat
[15:46] The Gun Show: so now with each well placed round i put into the brains of the flood, with each well laid plan to out flank the covanent, with every squeez of the trigger…all im going to feel is the weight of guilt now…
[15:48] BetterOffAloneSB: i should hope so
[15:49] The Gun Show: But why would you want me to be unhappy?  As my friend you should respect my want…no my duty…my calling…my destiny to carry on the fight.  to protect our planet from those who wish to use the halo for wrong…  You should be encouraging me with words like "get out there case…"  " GIVE EM HELL!"
[15:50] The Gun Show: and showering me with praise…saying "thank you…you dont know how much it means to both me and my family that you would put your life on the line for our saftey…i wish to one day be as courageous as you"
[15:52] BetterOffAloneSB: yeah.  if i was an understanding, considerate team player, i could see myself saying that.  Painting your codename: "DEUCE" on the side of your master chief helmet with a pair of aces beneath…perhaps raising the roof as you scored a headshot on some poor covenant bastard.  Unfortunately.  I can’t do that.  I am pissed that I did not pre order.  I am bitter, jealous, angry, and will guilt trip you so bad you can not enjoy one second of HALO3 without me.
[15:53] BetterOffAloneSB: WAIT!  I retract all previous statements!  Just got off the phone with my buddy at circuit city – they still have some in stock and are holding for me!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[15:53] BetterOffAloneSB: FUCKIN’ A bud – get out there!
[15:55] The Gun Show: LETS DOOOOOOOO THIS!
[15:55] BetterOffAloneSB: i got your back
[15:55] BetterOffAloneSB: you know that
[15:55] BetterOffAloneSB: i didn’t mean any of that shit. srsly
[15:56] The Gun Show: Ian…i just want you to with you luck…and i know you have the Give ‘Em Hell attitude it takes to show those alien bastards the spirit we have
[15:56] The Gun Show: ill be back..i gotta run down the street to the post office.
[15:57] BetterOffAloneSB: HOOOAAA
[15:57] The Gun Show: there is rumour that the flood is attacking the stamp machine…and i need to take charge down there.  SBPD has their heads up their asses. 
[15:57] The Gun Show: i also need to get some stamps
[15:57] BetterOffAloneSB: mother of god.

Rob Schneider Is….


This one goes out to Casey.  Nothing better than stumbling completely hammered down the street in PB drunkenly discussing our favorite South Park episodes:

[13:54] The Gun Show: Rob Schneider is about to find out that being a cd jewel case…aint so great
[13:55] BetterOffAloneSB: Rob Schneider is about to find out that being an ipod aint so great due to poor battery life
[13:56] The Gun Show: rob schneider is…AN EAR BUD…and he’s about to find out being an ear bud aint so great…cause ear buds are the most uncomfortable thing i have ever put in my ear…that includes the time i punctured my ear drum with a q tip
[13:57] BetterOffAloneSB: ahhahahah
[14:00] BetterOffAloneSB: Rob Schneider is a Turp De Der.  But hes about to find out that being a derp de der de dum aint so great. de turp de dur tum de dum
[14:04] The Gun Show: from the makers of "der" and "tur derpty dur"

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