Tonight on the way home from work, I stopped at Big Lots! to pick up some provisions for my upcoming cruise to Mexico.
Tangent: I booked a spontaneous 3 night cruise to Ensenada with Jess. Why? Because it was only$300, and what better use do I have for $300? None. Think of it as my own personal Mexican stimulus package. I am a philanthropist of sorts, using my hard earned money to stimulate the Mexican economy through purchasing and consuming copious amounts of booze (Can’t drink the water)! The Carnival Elation is only in San Diego until May, and there was some super cheap rooms left as the cruise is leaving on Friday – so Jess and I figured fuck it, lets go! I’m hoping moto or some of the rest of the crew will be spontaneous as well and book it – but I doubt it. I’m sure we’ll make new friends anyway. If its anything like the cruise to Ensenada we took last year, I know its gonna be a mess (UCRUZULUZ2K9 – http://techandtonic.com/2009/03/16/ucruzuluz2k9-2/)
Ah, but I digress, I stopped at Big Lots! on the way home to pick up some supplies for the cruise. After shopping around, I ended up with the following 3 items in my basket.
A 36 pack of Trojan Condoms
An extra large bag of FUNYUNS
A Lynrd Skynrd T-Shirt
After standing in line for the only open register for 12 minutes, (in a line of about 6 people – the guy behind me kept eye-fucking my basket – I know he was wondering about my odd assortment of purchases) I made it up to the register. Upon unloading my purchases one by one, the middle aged lady at the register just stared at me with the look of a middle aged lady who is worn out from the hardships of a life behind the register at Big Lots! but I could see a tiny glimmer of hope, a single, solitary spark of life ignite behind her dull eyes. Our only interaction was her comment “looks like you’re in for a hell of a night”. Not knowing how to respond, but in full agreement, I awkwardly grabbed a pack of Yipes Stripes Fruit Striped Gum that had probably been sitting around since Bobby’s World debuted on saturday morning cartoons and threw it on top of my pile. Her and I forged a bond of understanding and maybe a mutual respect for Skynyrd and the price break of buying condoms in bulk, and agreed to say no more. I picked up my bag of wonders, and wondered out of Big Lots! munching on Funyuns and wondering how I keep getting myself in these awkward situations.
These are the hilarious incidents that make life worth living. Or at least seem that way when I retell them. 🙂
Let me begin the recounting of this tale with a brief synopsis written by Kjo. Nothing better sums up the 2.5 day/3 night shitshow that myself, Moto, Evan, and Kjo embarked on last weekend. God forgive us for the things that transpired on that boat. May he have mercy on our souls…
Every part of my body hurts, I have several mystery bruises all over my body, I did the worm in front of hundreds of people to get on stage with the hypnotist..I got kicked off the stage because I was too drunk, got yelled at by security about every 15-20 minutes for things I cannot even remember..I went down a water slide with a gigantic sombrero on, made some friends, made more enemies, spent over $500 on drinks..swallowed about five pounds of sand, swallowed some ash from a cigar that I was smoking while jumping a Yamaha Rhino ATV in the sand dunes with Ian, Evan and Cam after going to Papa’s and Beer and having several buckets of beer…Ian got yelled at for riding a wheel chair shit-housed drunk through the cruise ship with a gigantic sombrero on… Evan and Cam displayed their newly acquired bracelets inscribed with “Long Cougar Fucker” and “Pootang Killer” to the 60 year old mother of three daughters at our table and then they told her she is safe because she isn’t a “Long” Cougar… these are just some of the antics and they are certainly not in chronological order…
Well played Evan the “Pootang Killer”, Cam the “Long Cougar Fucker” and Ian the Crippled Amigo.
Let me just first say that I have done a lot of partying…I survived and graduated from SDSU for god sake…but this last weekend was the biggest blowout I’ve ever had. The most consistent, mind numbing abuse of alcohol spread out over a weekend that there ever has been. We began drinking the minute we set foot on that ship, and didn’t stop until somewhere in the early morning hours of Sunday the 15th. There could be no better crew of guys to assemble for such a vacation. For an idea born over a month ago thanks to a rainy afternoon spent at Hooters drinking, I have a feeling this will not be the last cruise we attend.
We showed up around 330 at the terminal and smuggled 5 bottles of booze in our checked suitcases. Upon hitting the room and having them delivered, we began making drinks as fast as we possibly could. After getting a good base drunk on, we hit the craps table and proceeded to win some ca$h! I came up all right, after getting loaded and throwing some fire on that table, and thanks to an old lady next to me on a hot streak. She probably put a couple hundred bucks in my pocket on her rolls!
We got paired up with a pretty good crew of people for dinner. A mom with her 2 daughters and some of their friends out for one of their 30th birthdays. I think they were a bit shocked at first when we showed up to dinner the first night completely wasted. Kevin proceeded to drop F-bombs in front of the the mom, and let her know that he was here to have fun and thats what he intended to do. After we broke out with a rousing round of “You’ve lost that Loving feeling” and getting half the dining room singing with us, I think we won them over and they turned out to be great dinner partners. A later (expensive) run in at the roulette table, and about $100 worth of bud light, we passed out around 4am to get a couple hours of sleep before spending the next day in Mexico.
Friday started off around 8am with a wicked hangover. This was easily remedied by heading to the spa and working our way through the Golden Four (takes 4 beers when you are hungover to reactivate your drunk and get you going again). After drinking in the spa for a couple hours, we headed into Mexico. Thanks to a tip from my buddy Johnny who had just gone a couple weeks ago, Evan and cam rented quads and Kjo and I got a Rhino. You can ride these things anywhere on the streets down there, so we headed over to Papas and Beer to do a little celebrating before going to the sand dunes. P&B was going off, as was Mango Mango across the street. Some guys were loaded up on the balcony wearing Lucha Libre masks and throwing money off into the street. Little kids were fighting each other for the money, and I literally saw a 5 yr old kid deck a girl in the face over a dollar. I know I shouldn’t have laughed at that – and I feel bad about it…but damn it was pretty funny.
After getting pretty good at P&B, we headed out to the dunes. Before leaving we clarified with the rental place – What happens if we get too drunk to drive? He said just get drunk first, then drive – just don’t drink while driving. We followed his advice. The dunes were awesome – we bombed the shit out of those quads and the Rhino turned out to be the most fun of all. Our $80 rental covered anything short of blowing the things up…and believe me by the time we returned that Rhino it would barely shift into first gear and was backfiring every few minutes. (note: don’t get lost in the deep ghetto in a backfiring golf cart. This sounds like gunshots, and in a shady neighborhood – this can be dangerous) Instead of explaining more of the Shenanigans that went down on the dunes – just watch some video proof.
On the way back, we stopped a couple bars for a few beers, and Kjo was dead set on finding the biggest sombrero in Mexico. Well, he succeeded as him and Evan purchased 4 foot wide “Mexico” sombreros, along with Evan and Cam’s purchase of some very interesting wrist bracelets. The slogans on these bracelets are not exactly appropriate for my family oriented blog…I like to keep things acceptable for all ages. Oh what the hell:
Remember those bracelets, as they came in extremely handy (hilarious) at dinner later that night, when I mentioned to the 50 year old mother of the girls at our table that she should take a look at the pretty bracelets that they purchased in Mexico. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen watching that lady read them out loud, and then say (direct quote) “Well, you boys must be tired from killing all that poon in Mexico Today”. I have never laughed so hard. It was at this point that Kjo fell out of his chair during dinner due to how inebriated he was. This added to the hilariousness of the situation, and pretty soon everyone was laughing their asses off.
We checked out a comedy show that night, and met some friends celebrating a bachelorette party. It was a great night.
Saturday morning started out even more hungover than the previous day. I couldn’t eat for much of the morning, and apparently in my excellent state the night before, had filled out the room service card by checking every single box for food to be delivered at 8 am that morning, and marking that it was for 14 people. We were woken out of a drunken sleep by room service knocking on the door and wheeling in a cart with tons of food. It somehow all ended up on the floor, and we all passed out again to wake up to a mess aroudn 10am.
The only thing we could do sat morning was to make it up to the spa and proceed to sit there for 6 hours. During this time we went through an estimated 40 beers between the 4 of us, and met some new friends as our dinner partners and some new people showed up.
We had an awesome day, and got out around 5 completely shriveled up and totally wasted. After making it back to the room, cam and I decided to put on the sombreros and do a lap around the boat in our boxers. So…wearing nothing but boxers, sombreros, and sunglasses, ran through the entire R deck, had an awkward elevator ride with an old man, and looped around back to the room. I have video of this, but Its in my best interest I do not post it here. lol
That night proceeded with the comandeering of a wheel chair, and me almost being thrown in the brig due to driving it recklessly doing wheelies through the casino and starting a wheelchair dance party.
We then headed to the hypnotist show, where Kjo got on stage by doing the worm in front of 1000 people. He was then kicked off of the show when, after he was supposed to be deeply hypnotized, he started laughing his drunk ass off.
We then hit up the “disco” and danced our asses off until 4am.
Soooooo…5 bottles of booze later, and still hungover 2 days later, I had the best weekend of my life. We partied harder than ever before, and I can’t wait until we book the next one. For a trip so aptly named “You Cruise, You Lose – 2009” – it was a hell of a go. There will be a round 2 some time this summer, and damn I can’t wait for it!