FuckYou

FUCK

Excuse this post being emo in advance (go ahead, comment, call me a pussy, I’ll just be stoked that someone commented here) because honestly…I just don’t see any way around it.

 

You know when you are at your peak, life is working out flawlessly, things are going your way and you are so confident that it ain’t ever gonna end?  Why is it that’s when every fucking thing comes crashing down around you?  It’s like a cruel joke that the universe plays on you to see how content and happy you can get before some cosmic force knocks you back down to the ground, kind of like Jesus Christ pulling the table cloth out from underneath all the place settings at the last supper but instead of doing it perfectly like you see in the movies, he fucks it up and spills wine all over the nice table.  Yeah…just like that.

 
I guess I have to admit – she won.  She was always mad that whenever we got into it, I was the one who was hard, unmoving, uncaring, and could give the cold shoulder and not be affected for an endless amount of time after a fight until she broke down and came back first wanting to make things right.  Well the tables have turned since she’s the one on her back having a good time while I’m in pieces.  I’m sure this is Karma for something, but I’ve been such an asshole so many times that to figure out which incident I’m paying for it would be like Tucker Max trying to remember which midget he first did anal with.

 

As if the fact that I grew up enough to find a woman I was completely, uncompromisingly, selflessly in love with and was so sure and so committed that I was ready to propose, get married, buy a house, and begin the rest of my life with wasn’t enough…everything else compounds itself on top of that.  I’m still sort of in shock and awe by the fact that I was so sure of our relationship and believed in us so much that I put my money where my mouth was and had the ring of her dreams designed exactly the way I knew she would love it.  I was so proud of myself for becoming the man I thought she wanted me to be, that I even decided to overlook the other signs that hurt me so much.

 

I guess most people would have seen it coming a mile away – things like the fact that I was so proud of myself for getting the best and most unique Christmas gift in the world (a DNA test for her dog, so that when people asked what kind it was, she would finally have an answer…and when this happened daily, she could think of how cool it was that she knew the answer to that recurring question because she had an awesome, caring, significant other).  In my mind, this was so personal and targeted exactly what she wanted on such a personal level that I couldn’t have done any better, certainly more thoughtful than some piece of metal with Tiffany’s engraved on it.  (FUTURE NOTE TO SELF:  they don’t give a fuck about you being thoughtful – just throw tacky, expensive jewelry at them and you’ll win every time)  But I let my love blind me to the point of forgiving and forgetting that when I gave her the gift I was so proud of, she literally asked me to take it back, or to just keep the gift as something for me and her, and for me to spend an additional $100 on the jewelry that she really wanted.  She cried and told me that she has promised herself that I was going to be getting her jewelry for Christmas, and the fact that I got something for the dog (which I was rightly convinced she was more interested in that me by that point) showed that I was thoughtless.   Yet again – how in the world can I be so sure, so undoubtedly, rock-hard sure that I’m doing something right and awesome, and be derailed in an instant?

 

I guess even all those things weren’t important enough for me to realize that – hey something might not be right here.  When we “discussed” getting a dog and I in no uncertain terms said that I wasn’t comfortable with it and wasn’t ready to have a dog until we had our own house, and then found out the next day that, Hey – I’ve got a new dog!  I guess in retrospect it was like I wasn’t a part of the relationship, I was just there to be told what to do.  Didn’t really stop to think that maybe that might mean something that the one thing I said flat out NO to ended up happening regardless of my feelings or concerns.  But love will make you see past all those things.  I ended up loving the dog anyway, but always knew in the back of my mind that he was born of flat-out defiance – a reminder to me that I am not really in control (Control?  Hell, even INVOLVED!) of any of the decisions that might be made around here.

 

But I can see through all those things, I can see past them to the big picture.  I’m in love and ready to commit and I’m 100% sure of it.  It’s not surprise to her or anyone what I’m doing – I’m looking at rings, I’m planning the future, I’m laying the foundation for the rest of my life.  It’s not happening overnight, but it’s happening slowly yet surely, and I’m so focused on it that I don’t see anything else going on around me.  Going on right in front of me.

 

Is it odd that suddenly she’s gone increasingly more often with a “new” friend that I haven’t met, dont’ know her name, apparently doing yoga?  Some girl who recently moved to town unannounced and suddenly every Thursday night becomes “Yoga and Wine girls night”…why didn’t this seem odd?  Because I’m in love of course!  I’m busy planning a proposal, securing parental approval, and designing a ring!  What could go wrong!?!

 

Did I stop to think back to the recent Facebook conversation I saw from an ex-boyfriend referring to how they really should have got to together when he was recently in town like they had planned on.  Or the note from her telling him how good he was looking in recent pictures?  No – why would I?  I had a ring with her name on it, what the fuck could go wrong.  I’m not insinuating infidelity here because 1. I hate to think that she could do that to me, and 2. I don’t have any proof, but who the fuck knows, huh.  I didn’t even want to stop to consider what the facts of past failed relationships of both us might tell me…I had love on my side.

 

So of course when I find out two days before my 29th birthday that, Hey – I no longer want to be with you.  You and I are no longer compatible for the following reasons:

 

  1. I want to travel the world.  It is my passion.  You do not like to travel.  Therefore, we have nothing in common.
  2. I want 3 kids.  Immediately.  You do not.  Therefore, we do not have the same life goals.
  3. Your back is irreparably hurt.  It is beginning to impact my life because you cannot do all of the activities that I enjoy, and since you have not been able to fix it in a reasonable amount of time, I would rather give up on you than try to help you through it.  Therefore – you are a burden to me.

 

I was shocked and numb and dumbfounded and could only think a few things in response to these concrete examples of proof as to why we were no longer compatible.  Logical things of course, I was still not quite able to accept the fact that my heart had just been gang banged by a group of Hells Angels:

 

  1. How will you travel the world when you have 3 kids?
  2. How in the world are you sure you need 3 kids?  Wouldn’t you like to start with 1 and see how that goes, and let the future decide itself what’s right for your family?  And wouldn’t you rather have them when you and your partner are ready for that, rather than making it happen immediately and forcing everyone into it?
  3. I guess its good to know now that you wouldn’t have stood by me should I develop cancer or stub my toe or anything else that might get in the way of attending a farmers market.

 

What the fuck just happened?  Did my fairy tale just write its own ending?  I suppose so.  Now that I have had some time to reflect on all aspects, one of the material ones really gets to me.  The fact that I was introduced to the sheer superficiality of someone who made such an effort to show everyone just how organic they were – someone who ended up demanding Jewelry over a gift that might someday end up helping the well-being of her own pet – when I realized that I dropped a couple hundo on a new Kindle Fire a month before her birthday, just because I thought it might be cool that she have her own tablet to read in bed…and I find out as I’m being broken up with a few days before my birthday and I’m left all alone to have all my friends over on my birthday evening that she invited, yet she specifically left the house that morning and never showed up, left me without a gift (not that I needed one, its just the point of how superficial this was), without a cake that she had been talking up for weeks, and leaving me with nothing but my entire group of friends who were wondering where my girlfriend of two years was on the night of my birthday party when she had invited them all over….who were also wondering why I was humbly blowing out a few candles hastily jammed into the side of the cake with my twin brother’s name on it specifically made for him.  There are very few more-humbling experiences than that…but I tell you that it really sets in at that point that you have been completely abandoned by someone who you thought you could count on forever.  Enough to bet thousands of dollars and your life on them, only to find out that they didn’t find you adequate enough anymore, and they just leave you to be the pathetic center of attention at a birthday party you never asked for.  One of the lowest moments of my life, I’ll tell you that much.  I was the kid who was so pathetic that someone else gave him the half of the oreo without the frosting just because he looked so left out.  For the rest of my fucking life, I will never forget that moment, and that birthday.

 

So I move on.  Dazed, confused, trying to figure out how my life just hit this patch of ice and is starting to spin out of control.  What in the fuck is happening?!  I can’t bear to look at these rings that I had made months in advance, all they do is remind of how fucked up everything just got.  Next I get to find out that the trip to Cancun we were taking the week after my birthday, you know – the one for our two year anniversary – you know, the one where I was going to propose?  The one that I had spent so much time planning and preparing and jokingly telling her to STOP LOOKING whenever I was glancing at a website on rings and dropping hints.  Oh that trip, it’s been canceled.  Why the fuck would you still want to go with me? I’ve got a hurt back, don’t want kids for a year until after the wedding, and I don’t plan trips to hike Mount Everest.  What a fucking asshole I am.  Now instead of spending the night determining which knee I’m going to go down on, I’m spending it setting up a mattress in my office so I don’t get in her way.  Oh that trip I had said I had to go to my parents house to help them with some stuff – the one where I actually had scheduled time with her parents to ask for permission for her (second) hand in marriage?  Oh yeah that trip had to be canceled too.  Wait, why the fuck am I un-planning all of the things I spent months and months working so hard on?  I dedicated more time to making this perfect than I did on getting my MBA.  That deposit I put down on at the hotel in Cancun to set up the romantic dinner on the beach where this whole thing was gonna go down.  Fuck that was really un-refundable?  How do you say refund in Spanish?!  They don’t teach you that shit in B-school.  I know how to manage everything but my fucking life and I have the degree to prove it.  That limo to pick us up from the airport to celebrate the trip of our lifetime that we’ll never forget?  Who am I kidding, I don’t belong in a limo…the next nice black car I’m will most likely be my funeral.  Fuck, how plans can so easily go awry.

 

What is there to do other than to just move through each day like I’m in a haze.  God damn my back hurts, I can barely stand, sit, sleep, or do anything – but I was told a long time ago that someone was no longer interested in hearing about how bad my back hurts if I’m not willing to follow a strict daily regimen of Bikram Yoga and Quinoa.  So I’ll keep it to myself.  Fuck things are really starting to suck.  Hey, I’m sure its rough for everyone right – she’s gotta be torn up after losing the love of her life too, right?  Right? RIGHT?  What’s that on facebook though? – what is this conversation from the night she dumped me between her and that guy she was dating right before me?  Wait – you made plans to hang out with this guy that very same night?  What?!  You didn’t waste any time, you had your phone number in his hands that quickly!  Oh man what a fool I am.  Two months down the road here I am with my dick in my hands, getting text messages from friends that are running in to who should have been my next-ex-wife already out on the town with her new boyfriend, and I’m sitting here honing my creative writing skills.  I’d like to think I’m better off for something because of all this, but I’m still waiting for fate to pull its dick out of my ass and tell me just what that might be.  There are still two 14k white-gold rings with 30 fucking diamonds on them and an amethyst as big as my nuts sitting on my shelf that I can’t bring myself to look at, but which mocks me every single morning when I wake up and every single night when I go to bed.  It’s like a trophy dedicated to the most epic failure of my life…a trophy that’s so unique – no one else will ever want it.  It will probably just sit there, collecting dust, depreciating, and mocking me until I get even more emo and do something dramatic like walk to the end of Crystal Pier and throw it into the ocean at sunset in slow motion while some shitty 80′s montage music plays in the background.

 

Well, I’d like to say I’ve learned all sorts of introspective life lessons from this.  I guess, sure I have definitely learned some, but they’re going to probably take some deeper reflection to figure out exactly what they are.  In the meantime, I guess I’ll try to put my energy towards better uses like trying to go visit my grandfather in Kansas in a few weeks before cancer claims the rest of him, or maybe fixing my truck that got broken into, or maybe even trying to figure out why I was denied that raise and promotion I have been working my ass off for the past year, or even do some research and figure out what the fucking cure for crushed discs, degenerative disc disease, and ankylosing spondylitis might be so I can sit for 5 minutes without feeling like a brontosaurus is fucking my spine.  I don’t know who the fuck I pissed off, but 2012 is seriously not starting as intended.  For now, I’m just going to go smoke a cigarette because there’s no longer anyone for me to disappoint with my actions

</emo>

  • http://www.octaneandelectrons.com Evan Grist

    wow…just wow.  slow……..c….l….a….p.
    I think you got your point across. 

  • ChelseAlexis

    Last time I checked you had someone who had freshly baked cookies delivered to you still warm from the oven on your birthday even though she couldn’t be there, the same person who talks to you each and every day about your problems, including your back, who is also the same person that invited you to go on a nice sunny vacation to temporarily forget about your problems which you declined to go on … so its not all that bad!

  • Nfrederick

    Had me captivated the whole time…while I was in the shitter. Slow clap indeed! Wow man I can’t believe that shit. I’ve felt like that before and almost in the same way except the back thing, MBA and a big raise. It will get better brother. Other than that a very well laid out case almost lawyer type shit! Now go watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall!

  • DaxxRuckus

    Just dropping a truth bomb.  It felt good to write.

  • Alicia

    Man, it sucks to read that you are in so much physical/mental/emotional pain. I can’t really think of anything to say that will make you feel better because the truth is you are just gonna have to work this out. And it will make you a better person (I know that is the last thing you want to hear right now). Seriously bro – I had the DUI, divorce, got laid off, and came to the realization I was a big flamer – all in the same year. It was hell to get through but now things don’t really phase me as much, because I know I can get through some serious shit and I am living my life for me in the way I want to live it. Once you round out this year you will probably think the same thing.

    You are an amazing man. I am truly proud of you and the person who you have become and I know there is some awesome love waiting out there for you. There are women who will truly see you and value all of your strengths and even your weaknesses. And they are gonna be hot with big boobs! ;)

    Trust me when I say this, brother…This too shall pass. I love you and you and I’m sending some good juju your way.

  • DaxxRuckus

    Thanks Alicia,

    this means a lot.  Things have been really rough but I’m trying to stay positive and look for the good that’s coming.  Still waiting, but I can’t wait for that hot chick with big boobs! 

    LOVE YOU!

  • DaxxRuckus

    You’re right.  You’ve always been there for me, and I won’t ever forget it.  LOVE YOU!