The 86 Rules of Boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing: urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same”, then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It’s okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is sporting you, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is making sport of you, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, I’m an idiot.

67. Never ask a bartender what’s good tonight? They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.

71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86′d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.


Note:  This article is from Modern Drunkard Magazine, and can be found here.  Republished here with full permission from the editor. –Frank Kelly Rich

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  • Hank

    I’m a wiser man, thank you #46, you have solved so many of my problems.

  • Hank

    I’m a wiser man, thank you #46, you have solved so many of my problems.

  • moir
  • moir
  • Tim

    I believe this came from Modern Drunkard Magazine.
    http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/

  • Tim

    I believe this came from Modern Drunkard Magazine.
    http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/

  • http://bonkikonk.hexia.net/myblog Ragnar

    You, kind man, just made my evening!
    Cheerio!

  • http://bonkikonk.hexia.net/myblog Ragnar

    You, kind man, just made my evening!
    Cheerio!

  • Ben

    This is written by the creator of Modern Drunkard Magazine, of which I am a loyal subscriber. Check out their website at: http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com

    and a link to this article http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

  • Ben

    This is written by the creator of Modern Drunkard Magazine, of which I am a loyal subscriber. Check out their website at: http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com

    and a link to this article http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

  • Bob

    Might want to clear it with these folks first: http://drunkard.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

  • Bob

    Might want to clear it with these folks first: http://drunkard.com/issues/01-02/01_02_booze_rules.htm

  • Dwana

    I’m a bartender, and this list should be LAW!

  • Dwana

    I’m a bartender, and this list should be LAW!

  • amit

    hey its cool yar

  • amit

    hey its cool yar

  • http://www.7imothy.net TiHo

    More than half the seats in the bar were empty. I had already bought my friends $70 in drinks. It was only 10pm. I was not drunk. The bartender approached me for my next order at the bar. To buy my group another drink, I asked him about “what shot is popular here?” He impatiently responds, “I have other people waiting, what do you want?!”

    Isn’t my money worth just as much as these other people’s? Shouldn’t the bartender answer my questions even if other people are waiting? My money doesn’t grow on trees … shouldn’t I be respected when I spend it? How should I deal with a bartender like this?

  • http://www.7imothy.net TiHo

    More than half the seats in the bar were empty. I had already bought my friends $70 in drinks. It was only 10pm. I was not drunk. The bartender approached me for my next order at the bar. To buy my group another drink, I asked him about “what shot is popular here?” He impatiently responds, “I have other people waiting, what do you want?!”

    Isn’t my money worth just as much as these other people’s? Shouldn’t the bartender answer my questions even if other people are waiting? My money doesn’t grow on trees … shouldn’t I be respected when I spend it? How should I deal with a bartender like this?

  • artrocktool

    You shall respond like this:
    “HEY, “MAN”, I don’t care a shit, answer my question now”.

  • artrocktool

    You shall respond like this:
    “HEY, “MAN”, I don’t care a shit, answer my question now”.

  • Sarah

    TiHo, When he came up to you and asked for your order you should have said,” bring us a shot of something that is popular in your bar.” He would have told you what it was and brought it out to you happily because for one you said your bar and for second you werent asking a question. They hate questions!! Unless you are a cute little sexy thing that is flirting with him. Lol!! Good luck next time. To them it doesnt matter how much money you have or how much you spend. All of that goes to the owner. The tips go to the bartender. Hint Hint

  • Sarah

    TiHo, When he came up to you and asked for your order you should have said,” bring us a shot of something that is popular in your bar.” He would have told you what it was and brought it out to you happily because for one you said your bar and for second you werent asking a question. They hate questions!! Unless you are a cute little sexy thing that is flirting with him. Lol!! Good luck next time. To them it doesnt matter how much money you have or how much you spend. All of that goes to the owner. The tips go to the bartender. Hint Hint

  • http://www.techandtonic.com Ian

    haha, you should have told him if he wants your money, get over there and give you some attention! People wonder why their tips aren’t that great…well if you treat your customers like shit, they reflect that in the tip they give you! That is why consumers at food service places have the power to show if they appreciate (or don’t) the service they are getting. Use it to your advantage! Thanks for commenting on T&T guys, please check out the rest of the site!

    -Ian

  • http://www.techandtonic.com Ian

    haha, you should have told him if he wants your money, get over there and give you some attention! People wonder why their tips aren’t that great…well if you treat your customers like shit, they reflect that in the tip they give you! That is why consumers at food service places have the power to show if they appreciate (or don’t) the service they are getting. Use it to your advantage! Thanks for commenting on T&T guys, please check out the rest of the site!

    -Ian

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  • C

    Speaking as a bartender, I appreciate this list. Thank you.

  • C

    Speaking as a bartender, I appreciate this list. Thank you.

  • keith

    Tiho,
    I bartended for many many years, and I would never say that to ANYONE in my bar if it was filled to the brim or half empty. I am there for tips, and while I am talking to you, you have my attention. You are allowed to ask the BT for suggestions…but respect them and take their advice quickly. Good rules!

  • keith

    Tiho,
    I bartended for many many years, and I would never say that to ANYONE in my bar if it was filled to the brim or half empty. I am there for tips, and while I am talking to you, you have my attention. You are allowed to ask the BT for suggestions…but respect them and take their advice quickly. Good rules!