Happy Halloween

Here is a Joke that Matt sent me, as I’m still super busy.

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

 

Hope everyone has a great Halloween!

The Best Of Email Spam

I am slammed at work – so instead of putting together a good post with awesome content, I am going to post a bunch of shit that was emailed to me over the past week or so.  There’s actually some good stuff!

From Jbi – A Little Inspiration

I don’t usually pass along Inspirational stuff, but this one got to me…………….
I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there needs to be a message of hope.
Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy.
An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man.
I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it .

-1

MORE…..click the link!

(more…)

Some Friday Randomness To Make Your Day Like Mine

chuck_norris-748639Hello to everyone on this great Fri-day.  Things are looking up!  The fires have almost stopped, its the beginning of Halloween weekend, and I’m in a good mood for some reason.  Although, Amago – the motocross track in julian that we were supposed to go ride on Sunday has burned down, but that just opens up Sunday for some more Halloween celebration.  So what do I have to offer you today? Well, some things that made me laugh this week.  First thing is first.  My post from earlier about helping out with the fire evacuees has been a major hit, spawning some insanely hilarious Chuck Norris-related comments from members of the D.O.C.  (Disciples Of Chuck – a secret organization sworn to protect all things beard).  Here are some highlights from the comments I have received:

  • Minister of Fear said:

    October 24th, 2007 at 9:04 am edit

    I am proud to call you my brother. Fellow minister, on behalf of the D.O.C., San Diego Chapter, I’m honored to award you the coveted NMH. The Norris Medal of Honor is bestowed upon you for displaying selflessness and gallantry in the midst of a wartime crisis. Your bravery gave hope to those who lost so much, giving them a little taste of home. I salute you.

  • wow.  just wow.  I have been awarded to coveted Norris Medal of Honor.  But thats not all!

  • Minister of Pain said:

    October 24th, 2007 at 3:49 pm edit

    Brother Grist, your genuine concern regarding the dire situation of our fine citizens in these harrowing times stands as a bastion of hope for us all. Tales of your benevolent exploits will be passed from father to son for generations to come in solemn commemoration of your charitable act. It would take nothing less than a resounding uppercut from our mentor, Mr. Norris, to raise the common man to your lofty stature. As you bask in your self-made glory, remember your humble beginnings in the Nu Xi Chapter of the DOC. As recompense for your epic achievement, in addition to the venerated NMH you will receive a Total Gym, personal RHK lessons from Chuck and a license to kill.

  • I was so taken aback by these honors that I was barely able to get out a reply:

  • Ian said:

    October 24th, 2007 at 3:55 pm edit

    Friends, nay, Brothers, words can not express how humbled I am by these words of kindness. To have the highest award of our organization bestowed upon me in such a selfless manner, is an honor unknown to the common man. A Total Gym, personal lessons, a license to kill! But I am just a common man! I do not deserve such awards, I am a mere Disciple of Chuck, a Minister in his service, to be honest, I question whether my mortal frame can handle such adornments fit for a king. I am truly blessed to receive such praise, but let it be known: it could not have been done without the support of you and the Almighty Norris.

  •  

    There was even additional discussion about opening up a Canadian chapter of the D.O.C. which I am in favor of, as long as they are not French Canadian.  We all know what Chuck Norris thinks about the French

    When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

    Now, and an unrelated note, I just received some hilarious pictures from Evan.  clintonEnjoy these with me, will you?  Who remembers Bill Clinton!  I do!  Clearly photoshopped, but this sign should definitely exist somewhere in Arkansas, if not in a museum in Washington, DC!  I can’t blame the guy for getting of with a quick J but come on man, you kind of have to set an example for an entire fucking nation!  Oh well, we all slip up sometimes I guess….

    gaydar

    That was followed by this awesome picture, which reminds me of my good Cop friend, Kjo.  God knows if this device existed, he would be patrolling the mean streets of San Diego with one of these little bad boys, adding a lethal new weapon to the art of detecting dirt bags, tweakers, meth addicts, crack whores, and residents of D Street. Now all he needs is the cop mustache and he is all set to intimidate the public!

    Finally, I don’t know what the fuck these are supposed to be, the damn picture is really awkward. 

    eye1   eye2

    My mind is flooded with gay jokes here.  I don’t even know where to start.  I am severely tempted to Photoshop the shit out of these, changing that bottle to be…well…another liquid-dispensing, cylinder shaped object, and changing around some of the text.  I want to grab that gaydar and point it at Evan for sending me these pictures.  I’m sure it would read off the damn charts!  That cop would throw him in jail in a split second.

    Ok, I hope these made you laugh, or at least enjoy a break from the monotony of work on a Friday.  If
    not, well, they still made me laugh, so fuck you
    :) 

    Math Gone Wild

    Theorem:  A cat has nine tails.

    Proof:  No cat has eight tails. 

               A cat has one more tail than no cat.

               Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

    There are 10 types of people in the world.  Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

    Theorem:  The less you know, the more money you make.

    Proof:  We know that  (a) time is money  and  (b) knowledge is power

               From physics we know (c) power = work / time

               By simple substitutions, knowledge = work / money  

                        or  money = work / knowledge

    Therefore it follows that as knowlege goes to 0, money goes to infinity

    ANAGRAMS  (reArrange the letters)

            A DECIMAL POINT = I’m a dot in place.
            ONE PLUS TWELVE = Two plus eleven.
            APPLIED MATHEMATICS = Is mad, pathetic – ample?
            INTEGRAL CALCULUS = Calculating rules.

    Posted on billboard:

         Math problems?  Need Tutor?

         call  1 – 800 – [ (10x) (13i) ^2 ] – [ sin (xy) / 2.362x ]

    Q:  What is the Tennesee Waltz?

    A:  Tippers’ favorite Algorithm

    Q:  What’s the noisiest place in Universe?

    A:   Infinity.  Where all the parallel lines collide.

    Q: Square root of 68?

    A:  Do me, and I’ll owe you 1

    San Diego's Burning

    Just Doing My Part

    As everyone knows, San Diego is burning.  My hand is on fire as I type this post.  But I don’t want any of you to worry, because we are doing our part to help people out!

    Last night we we picked up a couple cases of beer and were sitting on the porch taking in the amazing view:

    and we heard on the radio that there were people being evacuated over to Fiesta Island.  We could see them down there, and heard that they even had about 20 horses.  The guy on the radio was interviewing a guy who had be evacuated there, and the guy said they had plenty of food and fresh water, but what little beer they had was getting warm.  Immediately, we sprang into action.  Evan, I, Cam, Anderson, Laser Dave, and Hecker piled into the ram charger and headed over to Rite Aid, immediately procuring 3 – 18 packs of ice cold Coors Light.  We jumped back in the car and tore down to Fiesta Island.  Keep in mind, everyone but Evan (Who was driving) was pretty blasted by this point (Dave and Hecker had been drinking at the Silver Spigot since 9am – hey, its fire day).  We pull up to the entrance to the island, where there is a cop check point.

    CIMG0457Now, we had the idea in our heads that we were going to blast onto the beach, throw the charge in 4low and mob around tossing out free beer to grateful refugees, possibly inviting a few female evacuees back to our house – just to offer some shelter.  Anyway, the cops stopped us and I explained (drunkenly) that we had heard on the radio that people needed beer, so we brought it.  They were loading up a truck with tons of donated goods, so we unloaded the beer and hopped back into the charger, obviously drunk.   We overhear one cop ask another “Should we give them a ticket – that guy in the back isn’t even sitting in a seat”.  It was obvious these cops were faced with an extreme moral dilemma.  A choice that calls into question every year spent on the force, tearing apart the very fiber of your being.  “No, let them go” said the other cop, and we burned out into the sunset, blasting “Raise Your Hands” By Bon Jovi and victoriously pumping our fists as high as we could.

    We all walked a little taller that day, having done our part to help the people of San Diego.  This great city has given so much to us, the least we could do is give back a bit.  As I fell asleep last night, I dreamed of a father and son, sitting homeless on the shores of mission bay, life and home in ruins, but that father cracks open an ice cold CL, takes a swig, looks at his son, and passes it to him saying softly…”Son.  Today you became a man”.

    San Diego’s Burning!

    m_76f10928b7e6a14c56f41aae1a8620a4

    I’m a hard working man, yeah I’m down on my luck

    With a broom and a dustpan, just tryin’ to raise a buck

    It’s not the fact that I don’t wanna work

    I’m just not gonna take it anymore

    Spillin’ my guts out every night

    For a bunch of blank stares just looking for a fight

    It’s not that the fact that I don’t wanna work

    But we’re screamin’ for change once again.

    Voices cry out deep in the night

    The streets are empty again

    But what’s the explanation for just putting up a fight

    When San Diego’s burning within.

    Yeah, nobody here wants to do it

    Unless somebody else does it first

    Take a look around, watch it burn into the ground

    The condition’s gone from bad to worse

    Time is running out, and the future’s full of doubt

    Are the good times really over? We can make the good times now

    A neurotic, self conscious, superficial wasteland

    Is what I would call my town

    I try to think back to other times

    I try to remember when

    What’s the explanation for just putting up a fight

    When everybody’s trying to win

    Burn it down to the ground

     
    Download The Song!

    Cheating Wife

    So lately my wife has been working a lot of evening shifts, and for the past couple months has been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn’t mind, I would rather have someone with her in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems that they have become a little bit more than friends. You know the scenario, the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work, talking about him all the time, etc. I don’t know what to think. If I’m out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I’m in the house (they think I’m sleeping) they sit out in the car for like twenty minutes. I asked her once what they were doing, she said "just talking"….whatever. So last night I decide that I’m going to see what really goes on out there. I leave the garage door open, but turn out all the lights. About the time she usually gets home, I go out and hide in the garage and wait. In a few minutes, his car pulls into my driveway, and I’m hiding behind my bike. When his headlights shine through the garage and onto my bike, I see some thing that I just can’t believe. The rear sprocket is already worn and hooked but the chain looks OK. Do you think I should change just the sprocket or the chain and sprocket?