Just when you thought it was safe to go outside again – CHUCK NORRIS! A Compilation of some good Chuck!


Chuck Norris habla

Originally uploaded by Mr Heston.
So, I havent heard any good Norris facts in quite a while, in fact I figured the Chuck phenomenon was about over….oh such little faith. BOOM out of nowhere, Cando sends me some totally sweet homegrown facts. Enjoy!

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

-Fellow Brethren of Chuck
Mr. Michael Cando
Minister of Pain

Here is an email I found from Feb of last year that I sent to some fellow DOC (Disciples of Chuck) Members. I am currently the Minister of Beard…although there have been discussions to relinquish that Title to Joey, who actually has a beard. I would then assume the position of Minister of Justice.

Joey – funny story

my old roomate from SB called me yesterday freaking out. Upon asking him why, he told me the following:

he was chilling at his friend jeffs house, and in the other room, jeff was watching a commercial of Chuck Norris talking about his Total Gym. Knowing that Chuck Originally designed the TG out of human bones and ligaments, but then converted it to a metal based design for the average consumer, Jeff was seriously considering buying one based on Chuck’s guarantee that it would turn him from a choirboy into a god-among-men. Jeff yelled to casey from that room that he was considering fronting the first payment of $19.99 if casey would invest in the other payments. Casey had to CONSIDER what he would do in this situation. Hence, he called me freaking out, wondering if the all-knowing norris was monitoring their conversation, and was possibly infuriated that Casey had to consider the purchase and not make an instant decision (based on the fact that anything endorsed by Mr. Norris is basically worth more than entry into heaven). Knowing that casey was upset, i tried to talk him through the situation, telling him that chuck would probably understand, but at the same time scolding him for his foolishness, and reinforcing the fact that I would have purchased it immediately (i know that chuck sees all, hears all, knows all, and i didnt want to put myself in a positiont o be recieving any fatal RHK’s from anyone). Anyway, i talked him thgough it, and him and jeff ended up splitting the cost of a super-awesome
Chuck Norris Total Gym, and everyone was happy.

Let this be a lesson to you and any other Norris fans, although Chuck is a gentle man by nature, he WILL NOT TOLERATE Insubordination. Please, for all of your sakes, if you see a total gym commercial, dont hesitate to purchase…it simply is NOT worth the risk to your friends and family.OH! and if you do order from the informercial – tell the operater the special bonus code: “CNEBLPC” (I suspect it stands for: chuck norris eats babies like popcorn chicken) to recieve a free Delta Force 2: The Beginning T-Shirt.

Good luck out there, and see you in rosarito (if chuck lets you make it down there, apparently the entire Mexican police force is working for him in a total gym-border smuggling operation.)

see ya

-Ian

Then some AKP related Chuck facts came to light:

What up bros,

Cando and I came up with some funny shit while we were tabling at CSUSM on Monday.. Let me know if I am worthy of speaking the hallowed name of Chuck Norris.

————

In 1904, George L. Bergen approached Chuck Norris with an idea for an organization centered around brotherhood and professionalism. After RHKing George in the face for his sheer ingenuity, Chuck demanded that the fraternity be named after his favorite assault rifle, as well as the trident that he ripped from the cold, dead hands of Poseiden, God of the Sea.

Chuck Norris requires all AKPsi pledges to grow a beard and buy an assault rifle before he will even consider extending them a bid to Midcourts.

Chuck Norris once tried to have a conversation with Buddha about enlightenment, however he became so enraged with his pacifist views that he rounhoused the man, thus creating the Hindu religion.

Upon his inauguration, George Washington asked Chuck Norris to develop a government-sanctioned charity molded to Mr. Norris’ own liking. Chuck immediately chartered a commission focusing on delivering pain to those in need. Thus the US Army was formed.

Early Big Bang theory hypothesized that that the creation of the Universe was, in fact, not due to a catastrophic supernova, but rather the resounding RHK delivered to God’s face after he originally created Chuck Norris without a beard.

When Chuck Norris gets angry, he doesn’t punch holes in walls.. he punches holes in the space-time continuum, thus creating black holes.

While on a trip to Nepal to scout locations for Delta Force 3: The Himalayan Connection, Chuck Norris ate some bad curried chicken. The resulting gas from Chuck’s ass caused the Pakistan earthquakes.

During the 1991 National Convention, Chuck Norris demanded immediate revisions to the Standing Bylaws to suit his violent demeanor. When the Foundation Board of Directors refused, he RHKed each of them and took over as CEO for Life, Pro-Temporale. He immediately proceeded to instate the four new objectives of Alpha Kappa Psi: fear, pain, death and beard.

—————–

This shit is so random.. I love it!

Later bros,

Then replied to with the following email and attached pictures:

Fellow Brothers of the the Chi Nu Chapter,

I regret to write this message about how extremely disappointed I am. Not only in you, but in myself. Disappointed in what, you say? Well, disappointed in lack of unity, brotherhood, beard…among other things. Why I remember a short time ago, we all came together in fellowship to create an homage to Mr. Norris, a true example of brotherhood that happened in a place none other than Chuck Norris Smugglers Cove.

Has it really fallen into the back of our minds that we have all pledged allegiance to our brother Norris? I will admit it had fallen into the back of mine, but I am willing and able to renew my commitment to walk in the footsteps of Chuck. Fellow Ministers, join me in the brotherhood of Norris.

LET IT BE KNOWN TO ALL, I am calling an emergency meeting of the Chi Nu chapter tonight in the desert to discuss Norris! Please attend, or die.

I attach these pictures in hopes that we can all find a renewed trust and fear in the holy norris.

Or you can simply disregard this email, and die in a fatal RHK related incident in the desert tonight.Brother Grist,

Minister of Pain

Disciples of Chuck

Chi*Nu Chapter

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  • Candokid

    hahahaha motherfuckin hell. he’s back. there he is .. hey oh!!!! DOC will reconvene tonight. meeting location will be disclosed later, just bring a 40, some masking tape, a desert assult rifle, rope, and a video camera! DOC out!

  • Candokid

    hahahaha motherfuckin hell. he’s back. there he is .. hey oh!!!! DOC will reconvene tonight. meeting location will be disclosed later, just bring a 40, some masking tape, a desert assult rifle, rope, and a video camera! DOC out!

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